My regular readers may recall that I wrote a blog entry on this subject back in August, but I've fleshed it out (it went from two paragraphs to two pages), so that now it's stronger, not merely an odd thought jotted down in a hurry ...
A Terror-Free Neighborhood
By Bill Ackerbauer Sept. 19, 2005
Folks around these parts take the security of their homeland very seriously. I am able to sleep soundly at night, secure in the knowledge that my wife and children are safe from evildoers, thanks to the impressive qualifications of certain rock-solid citizens who inhabit our neighborhood. Why, on this block alone, we have three licensed terrorist hunters, one of whom is quite proud to be Protected by Smith & Wesson, and two employees of a Jewish carpenter. And it goes without saying that everyone is Proud to Support Our Troops. It says so right on the back of their gargantuan Suburban Uh-ssault Vehicles.
The guy next door is as generous as he is vigilant. In addition to being one of our local anti-terror permit-holders (not Mr. Smith & Wesson), he must have included me in his will, because apparently I have permission to take his firearm in the event of his death. One never knows when one will be called on to take up the Colt M4A1 semi-automatic carbine and enter the fray — for home protection and what have you.
The third terrorist hunter on my block must use non-lethal methods such as nets or tranquilizer darts, because his Humvee doesn’t mention the Second Amendment or Charlton Heston. I suppose a few enemy combatants have to be kept alive for questioning.
The homeland can never be too secure, and lately I’ve been thinking it couldn’t hurt for us to have one more person who’s trained and duly empowered to patrol our block, to keep an eye out for any unsavory or suspicious characters. So tomorrow I'll head down to city hall and see about getting myself a permit. I imagine the background check is fairly exhaustive, but I’ve never been to Afghanistan or Iraq or France or any of those other dicey places, and I don’t think they are constitutionally permitted to hold it against me that I went to a liberalarts college. I’m not sure what sort of prerequisites they havefor official terrorist hunters, other than an unflagging love of Freedom and a set of wheels to stick the permit on, but if I pass muster you can be sure the honor will be mentioned prominently on my resume, which I intend to circulate widely just as soon as the economy picks up.
And I really should get one of those yellow ribbon magnets to make it clear which side I’m on. Everybody knows that when al-Qaida is scouting locations to start a new cell, they pick a neighborhood that fails to conspicuously Support Our Troops.
Yes, by golly, it’s a good feeling, knowing that a guy can run down to the corner store for a six-pack and a can of bean dip without having to worry about suicide bombers or anthrax in the water supply, because the terrorist hunters are on the job.
No comments:
Post a Comment